Tuesday, August 7, 2007

It's a Lunar Eclipse of the Wolf

Polar bears are waxing the moon
as wolves run in howling packs
trailing Artemis across the starry starry sky
searching for Orion in a milky way
flooded by deceit and sibling horror
The lunacy of the night traps the lupine cries

Barbara Gavin-Lewellyn


Not only am I bi-polar, I have an auto-immune disorder that at one point in time was suspected to be Lupus. I was treated for Lupus for five years without favorable results, meaning a remission until I finally said "Hey you're giving me all these nasty drugs and they aren't working, don't you think we should try something different?

My Doctor who really is a decent sort really didn't have any idea what to do with me. I suggested perhaps I should have a consult with some experts elsewhere and he was amenable with that so I chose someplace in Chicago that was doing research on Lupus (Northwest University I think) but he didn't like the direction they were going or Mayo Clinic and he was fine with Mayo and gave me a referral there.

Lo and behold, Mayo didn't think I had Lupus at all and recommended that I wean myself off of all the medications I was on and see where the disease process took me. When I finally got all of those medications, I felt like a new woman. The supposed cure was worse than the supposed disease. That was the year my Grandson was born, six years ago. I kind of got allergic to experts and specialists after that.

Of course that didn't last long. My brief respite and felling of well being soon became a decline. I just spent 10 straight days cooped up in this apartment barely eating and mostly sleeping and reading or making occasional posts on my Blogs. It all started on the 17th of July with a case of chills and aches and pains and feeling of nausea trying to eat lunch. I had to leave and come home and go to bed. It wasn't a virus--it's hard to explain how I can tell the difference between a flare up of this disorder and a regular illness but I can. I try my best to stay out of bed and isolated because that really sucks but sometimes I just have to give in.

I cycle between sheer exhaustion and sleeping all the time to not being able to sleep because I'm in so much pain with swelling of my hands and feet and everything else I suppose. I get migraines and have a lot of pain in my back and hips. Of course when I am in all that pain and can't sleep, my tendency to get manic kicks in and whee there we go, off into the wild blue yonder.

It's a vicious cycle. When I'm in stuck in bed with no energy sleeping all the time with barely enough energy to make it to the bathroom, I get depressed easily. It's really important that I keep lots of reading material on hand so I can keep my mind occupied when I am awake so I don't dwell on being sick. TV just doesn't cut the mustard for me.

I recently bought some used videos that I have enjoyed in the past and a few that I haven't seen so maybe next time I can try those. I'm not much for movies either though. Not much for sitting still. Guess I'll need to have something to keep my hands occupied--knitting or crocheting. That might help. I need to have a plan of action.

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